Culture of Offense
Let’s go back to the beginning of this journey I am going to share with you: a ‘culture of offense’. Seeds of offense were watered for…
I find myself here at Starbucks writing, content in who I am. Man those are words that you would have never imagined that I would be writing out, over a couple days, weeks, months, or even years ago. Writing about my journey has been a long process but as I chipped away at the underlying truths I needed to embrace, this story is a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but it needs to be told. The first sentence of this paragraph is a gigantic step for me and my journey. I am going to write not for my own health and well-being but in the hope that I expose some light to some dark areas for my readers. The truth will set you free, every time.
Let’s go back to the beginning of this journey I am going to share with you: a ‘culture of offense’. Seeds of offense were watered for years, nurtured, and allowed to thrive. As a youngster, I found myself sexually abused by one of my closest male friends while battling verbal abuse and manipulation from those around me in family and friends. My mind was clouded, my heart wrapped in a heavy cloud of fear, mistrust, and shattered identity. Child abuse was a fleeting moment in my history but it has left a long trail of destruction in its wake.
Lets fast-forward a little (four years later) to my journey with Starbucks before we dive a little more into the abuse itself, trust me they parallel each other and help communicate what I want to get across.
Since my childhood, there was a narrative pushed in my face, one of conformity in who I should be. Allowance to develop my own voice, communicate it in the face of opposition, or embrace a diversity of thoughts were not given permission to exist. It wasn’t the culture. In a local media blitz, Starbucks made its first foray into my small town right before I was of age to start working. My want to escape my abusive family and church life led me to unhealthily dive into an unbalanced work life. I became more obsessed as time passed. Over forty different coffees at my Starbucks, I could describe each one. Food pairings, growing regions, and processing methods enveloped my being. I would find myself hosting coffee seminars in my freshly minted black ‘Coffee Master’ apron.
As time went on, I wandered into the world of tea. At that point at the Green Giant, Tazo was their tea subsidiary. Organizing a team of people from my district, we traveled down to the production facility and headquarters in Portland. I was ‘souled’ out to this company. I was unhealthily burying myself in work.
All the abuse carrying over my head like a dark cloud. It attracted similar company everywhere I would sojourn. Fighting for corporate advancement, I fought rampant discrimination along the way. I do not think it is beneficial for us to go over the details in what happened there, those details are not important right now. I did begin to think that there was something wrong with me. Why was this happening again? Enough is enough. Drowning in a dark sea of ambiguity, the path forward was shrouded in mist so thick that it left little to the imagine as to why it could not be found.
I was so frustrated at the politics going on at work that I started letting my guard down and sharing with those around me. What do I do? Ten years of my life being wrapped up in this proving type of mentality. I wasn’t moving forward. Every door was being closed. How do I fight back? How do I get my voice to be at least heard and respected? In that moment of disclosure a fellow businessman planted seeds to leave Starbucks, start a competing coffee company. Cashing out all my stock, 401k, and ditching my health insurance coverage I left, all in, without a plan for success. I was so eager to create a ‘voice’ for myself that dived in blind. Wisdom was out the door and once again I found myself falling under sense dense manipulation.
Six years would go by. Years later I would buy out my business partner, and I would get married to a beautiful and deeply supportive wife of my healing journey. My wife and I would navigate many lawsuits against our business, corrupt vendors ripping our business apart, and a community that didn’t support our vision. A tragic season indeed. Deep feelings of failure permeated my inner being, something I still struggle with a bit, to be honest. This was the end or, I believed.
It has been months since we closed our doors. We lost everything. As my wife and I have committed ourselves to healing and transparency in this post business season, every day seems to have a new adventure to process. Learning to untangle my identity from being deprived from my work life has been hard. Undoing over sixteen years of unhealthy boundaries isn’t an overnight job. By no means am I saying that I am perfect and I have landed at the end of the tunnel. What I can do is tell you about the lessons I am learning in the process from the wake I wade in.
Culture of offense, in that every step of the way the surrounding society was pushing an agenda of explaining why all their viewpoints were valid, and my beliefs were correct if they aligned with the narrative. This narrative was amplified in the abuse, business, and family. This culture of offense if a fake, fraud that robbed me of my own independence, voice, and identity. I take full responsibility for the decisions I made out of an unhealthy place and assure you that I am working through each one. No stone will be left unturned. I am committed to getting down to the bare bones of it all.
What I wish someone would have told me back as the abuse was happening was simple: none of this was your fault. My abuser preyed upon me, he knew full well what he was doing. His perversion was his alone. I am not subject to those beliefs. The soul tie can be destroyed. I was a child and this was not my fault. My family was wounded in different ways and it wound up being a perfect cocktail. They couldn’t offer the support I needed given the circumstances. An absent father and a family unable to relate to me. I am not a victim, but I am a survivor, an over comer. Let’s shed that false victim identity right now. These simple truths were not communicated to me or ever shed into my soul. At different points in my journey I assume some of these points of view were attempted to be planted in my spirit. I couldn’t grasp them in my broken state. Sometimes the simplest statements can have a profound and lasting impact. Side note, I encourage you to plant these little truths in people around you. You may never fully understand or know everyone around you and their particular story but checking in with something so simple can go a long way.
The entire time of my career in the coffee industry I was a hurt individual not operating from a position of wholeness. I didn’t fully understand who I was and from that positioning I operated on a foundation of shifting sands, moving at the whim of anyone with a differing viewpoint.
Over the past six months I have bombarded by dreams of working at Starbucks. The Lord was telling me something. I wasn’t sure what He wanted to tell me but I need to wrestle with it. I believed the company stole from me, what could be the good of revisiting this part of my past, I found myself deep in thought. While I may not believe with some political discourse the company may find itself trying to support, the ideas that I fell in love with are I believe are what He wanted to show me (amongst others). Why was there this pivot to Starbucks in my past? What was the Lord wanting to show me? It always goes back to Starbucks, I thought.
I fell in love with the culture of relationship in the coffee industry. Community is they key to finding myself, healing from my past, the Spirit was showing me. I may not be able to influence or change the world around me, as I tried with my own business which had, of course, an anti-Starbucks agenda but rather I can change the culture from within. I can find those I can shine light and love where they are. No matter what was the process may entail. I was messy a lot of my life, toxic from my abuse and not in a safe place to heal. I do not wish that on anyone else and feel deeply that we can impact everyone despite our values anywhere. A simple cup of coffee and a thirty-second connection can lead to a moment of influence. Your time is precious and how you sow and steward is entirely up to yourself, but I want to encourage you to look through a broader view of the world that you may see it now. It does not matter if you are a company where you have grievances, the past is the past, but rather where you are now. Are you committed to taking the steps to heal.
In these countless dreams of working at Starbucks, the Lord had a bigger agenda. I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. I have a notebook that has countless dreams filling it up it would be a long read for everyone. In my creative mind, these dreams from the Lord were a therapy session in itself. Convicted to lay down the offenses I have against Starbucks, but with my own business, and my family. “It’s time to deal with everything.” I kept hearing the Lord speak out over me.
Abuse of any kind is not okay. I may be triggered as I walk through my day but I have to take ownership of my beliefs and let my actions align with who I know I am and who I am called to be. I am a giant slayer. I am not an extrovert nor an introvert. I do not get filled up by hanging out with people nor by having alone time. I am ambidextrous. My mind is creative, but not the usual artist in the garage or art gallery you may find. His voice is loud and speaks to me all day long. I am not alone and through this whole process He has stuck by my side.
Yesterday I applied again at Starbucks. A hard decision to walk through but I feel the Lord’s hand all over this move. I am going in without false expectations. I may not agree with some policy decisions but that is okay. We are all entitled to our own opinions. Bring it on world, I am getting to the core of some unshakeable beliefs. They same time heals all wounds and I believe it over my life. Moving away to a new town, getting planted in with a new change of scenery, I am finding myself start to thrive again for the first time in about twenty years. When the surrounding noise is loud, find the way your mind can mute it out, and fill it up with predominantly like-minded people and a healthy amount of those that disagree with you to make you grow and stretch yourself. I found myself writing today in a Starbucks in southern Oregon, hundreds of miles from my hometown today, content in who I am.